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Topics - Qubhed

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Spamalot / Songs You Hate
« on: April 25, 2016, 09:26:23 PM »

Inspired by the "Songs You're Listening To" thread I decided to strike out on my own and just make an altered copy of it and pass it off as my own fresh material, as is the American way. I begin with "Don't Take the Girl" a 90's hit from Tim McGraw that made me want to stab hot knitting needles into my ears as a child. For the longest time in Houston, Texas this song was completely inescapable. To sum it up the crux of the song is its stupid title, beginning as a young boy prepared to go on a fishing trip with his father. When a little girl shows up with a fishing pole he pleads with his father to bring one of his many friends that were apparently named by Stan Lee along instead. The father remains steadfast in his decision, replying that one day his son will be plowing her so that its in his best interest. Thus the first meaning to the phrase "Don't Take the Girl" Fast forward a decade and the father's prophecy has come to pass as his son is plowing this chick. He's making out with her right in front of a movie theatre like the tacky shitdick he is when some dude pulls a gun on them. Instead of just giving this dude his shit and moving on he utters the second iteration of "Don't Take the Girl" for some strange reason putting the thought of kidnapping his love into the mind of his attacker. Finally five years later his wife is in labor in the hospital, but she isn't going to make it. He begs God to take all this other crap instead (I couldn't will myself to listen this far into the song for my write up so this is where it starts getting lazy) but God  in his infinite wisdom ignores his cries making the third iteration of "Don't Take the Girl" the exact same as the second one because Tim McGraw is even lazier than I am. Finally at the end of the song he's about to take his own young son fishing when a young girl shows up, thus tieing up the premise of the song and damning his child to the same cycle of love and loss that has apparently been wrought through the McGraw family since the beginning of time.

I was originally going to do Achy Breaky Heart because its the only song I hate more than "Don't Take the Girl" but I felt everybody was familiar enough with it to groan at its mere mention and it didn't require a write up. Plus I will not force myself to listen to it again for you guys. I love you guys but I am incapable of loving anybody enough to subject myself to that. Plus if the person I loved loved me back they wouldn't make me so it all wraps up in a neat little bow of "fuck you I'm not listening to that song willingly"

Spamalot / Broad City
« on: January 26, 2016, 06:46:29 PM »
Highly recommend. Have access to Hulu so I was able to watch both seasons. Really really funny fucking show. Its everything Girls should have been. It can take an episode or two to kind of get their rhythm but its absolutely worth it. A++

Spamalot / Playing Fallout 4
« on: November 10, 2015, 11:07:46 PM »

Spamalot / Gotta poop
« on: July 19, 2015, 10:06:47 PM »
But the pizza guy could be here any minute

Spamalot / Murderpartment
« on: February 09, 2015, 08:40:51 PM »
So my lease was coming up at the end of December. They wanted to raise my rent up to $950 a month which I kind of balked at. It was kind of a shitty complex that had multiple shootings and muggings. I'm pretty sure some guy was looking to mug me once but I became aware too early so he backed off. Just a shitty place and other, nicer places in the area were only a little more expensive. So first I looked online and found a variety of apartment complexes.

My sister even let me know about the complex she moved into. Really swank place. Only like three or four years old. They had attached garages that led directly into your apartment which is great because I don't like acknowledging the existence of my neighbors. I checked out their website and noticed that I could get a really nice apartment like this, on the first floor, and only pay about $50 bucks more a month than what I was going to at my current place. I noticed that there was a ground floor apartment which was like $40 cheaper than the two other second floor apartments they had available so I was eager to scoop that up. What a deal, right?

So I call ahead and talk to some lady in the office. She is very eager that I come out and look at the place so instead of sleeping I did just that. Honestly, I was already kind of sold and so we did the little tour they always like to do. First stop: "the business center." And, of course, my sister is in there using one of their computers like the little bum she is. We greet and she decides to join us on the tour. We go to the crappy little gym and past the pool to a little golf cart. We make awkward small talk on the way to the apartment and one of the questions she asks is: "So, why were you wanting to move?" "Well, there's only so many times you can come home to a crime scene," I joke. Then she lets out one of the most awkward little laughs I've ever heard and stammers out something like "Well you know anything can happen anywhere heh heh heh heh"

Was a little odd. Not much of a selling point when you've got a nice place like this but whatever, I let it slide. She's right, anything can happen anywhere. So we get to the place. Its fucking awesome. Freshly painted with a nice gray paint, hardwood floors in all but the bedroom. Even really nice, modern fixtures and like a wine glass holder and other classy things I'd never use for their legitimate purposes. I'm starting to think this is kind of a steal so I'm getting pretty excited. On my way back my sister quickly interjects, "Oh hey, my brother has never visited my apartment, is it cool if we swing by real quick?" The lady agrees and we make the stop.

My sister opens her garage and shows me the roominess of it and unlocks her door. She's still talking about the place when we step inside but as soon as the door closes behind me she turns and excitedly interjects, "Soooo, that place you're looking at? Yeah, there was kind of a murder-suicide there." Apparently, from what I have gathered, some guy had lived in the place for like two years and was a nice, cheerful sort. Then one day he moved in his new girlfriend and three days later they were both dead. People think it was the woman but I don't know for sure. What I do know is that one of them killed the other, threw the deadbolts and then killed theirself. The neighbors complained about the smell but maintenance couldn't get in because of the deadbolts and so they festered in there for about a month until the police were called to bust down the door or what have you. So they had to basically gut and remodel the place. It seems like they used it as a model apartment since then. Even got a free bowl and a couple of wine glasses.

So of course I moved in. Was a fucking steal. People keep asking me if I'm worried about ghosts. Honestly, I would feel bad for any ghosts- all they would have to haunt is some fat guy in his boxers eating cheese sticks and playing with himself. You can't really scare a guy like that. And hell if there's some kind of curse on the place at least I know I'll at least get a girlfriend for like three weeks which isn't really all that bad of a trade-off when you think about it.

Spamalot / Got A Week's Vacation
« on: November 09, 2014, 07:37:26 PM »
Will probably spend it in my apartment.

Spamalot / Sometimes
« on: October 14, 2014, 11:06:22 PM »
I want to make a reddit account specifically to make fun of stupid posts in porn subreddits. Like this chick is pretty but my god these pictures look stupid as hell. What is she, a 12 year old boy sniffing a bra he found in his friend's older sister's room or something? I just want to make fun of it all but I don't want to get my main account banned. Also since all the comments usually are "oh man you're so hot the things I'd do to you baby" I don't think I would last long without getting banned anyways. Do they do IP bans?

Spamalot / Made A Tinder
« on: October 08, 2014, 06:11:36 PM »
My friend's wife is constantly browbeating me about getting into the dating world and finally convinced me to make one of these. She was very insistent. I made an ok profile I think. An asshole's primary function is talking shit and so I did that. Anybody have any experience with this crazy thing?

Spamalot / So Far Today
« on: September 30, 2014, 06:41:52 PM »
I tried to flip my XBOX over (somebody had stood it on the wrong side) while it was on and it made a terrible sound and ate my disk. When I was crouched behind rehooking all my stuff up to my PC instead I ripped my jeans at the crotch and then in my desperation to change positions I slipped and tore my pant legs from crotch to ankle. So now I have like one pant leg and one pant leg that's held together with scotch tape because the stapler wouldn't work. My AC in my car has been crapping out on me consistently this entire summer. Somebody kill me, guys. Please.

Spamalot / Just Finished Breaking Bad
« on: September 18, 2014, 09:26:54 PM »
I'm glad I gave it a second chance. So many feels right now. One of the main reasons I had trouble getting into the show in the first place is that Walt is such an unlikable character. People always built him up to be this awesome guy with a bitch wife but he was always a monster. Watching it again keeping in mind that he's the bad guy really seemed to help. It didn't help that I stopped watching like the very scene before Walt meets Gus for the first time. The show really changes pace at that point. So many gut punches.

Spamalot / Dummy Computer Question
« on: September 03, 2014, 05:43:23 PM »
I didn't want to go to Tech Heads with this one because its technically not fully tech and probably easily explained. How do you know if an email is a fake phishing scam or something? I received an email from the "Microsoft account team" saying that somebody may be using my account and it provides a little button to press to "Recover account" but I feel as though its some kind of scam. I just can't be sure anymore.

Spamalot / One Upping First World Problems
« on: August 31, 2014, 06:02:16 PM »
My dad wants to give me this IROC he suped up but I'm perfectly content with my Corrola. Bitch is paid off and everything. Plus I don't even own a gold chain.

Spamalot / Taket
« on: July 10, 2014, 05:13:19 PM »
I wish there was some kind of internet version of the terrible birthday song and dance that restaurants compel their dejected waitstaff to do to their patrons that I could in turn do for you.

Spamalot / Republicans r dum lol
« on: June 14, 2014, 01:31:28 PM »
So near my apartment is a strip center that is obviously owned by the Obama administration. That would explain the 20 or so protestors holding signs kindly requesting the impeachment of Obama and explaining how abortion is murder because Benghazi. The thing is is its fucking 95 degrees out there with 100% humidity and zero wind and were in a super red district in a super red county in a red state- who the fuck is this protest even for exactly? Tea Party types are basically becoming right wing college students. They may as we'll bust out the pachouli and start a drum circle.

Spamalot / Canceled My Insurance
« on: May 29, 2014, 05:15:22 PM »
Don't get Cigna. Holy crap its the most useless insurance ever. I'd have to travel 60 miles one way to see a doctor and 30 miles the other way to find a pharmacy that will accept it so I just canceled. I'll have to pay the $100 tax penalty but at least I won't be spending thousands of dollars on junk insurance. Insurance just seems like such a massive scam and I have a feeling that its only going to get worse.

Spamalot / Flooded In
« on: May 26, 2014, 07:48:18 PM »
Computer and XBOX at work. All I have is shitty cable. Woe is me. Now I know exactly how those trapped Chilean miners felt.

Spamalot / Medical Question
« on: May 18, 2014, 05:37:07 PM »
This isn't for me but for something I'm writing. Could a poorly treated and barely-covered leg wound that continuously loses blood be sufficient enough to give somebody an iron deficiency?

Spamalot / Musings
« on: May 05, 2014, 07:57:43 PM »
Ok so I'm going to use this thread to post stupid little ideas and things. Its mostly to serve as a notepad for myself I can always access to remember things so its not always going to be funny or interesting but I keep thinking of things and forgetting to write them down before I could work something off of it. My first entries:

A man, duh. Misheard as Amanda just in case I need somebody to date somebody transgender.

Fuck pee wee football photographers. They'd want to take the team photo and of course to have the best lighting they wait til morning with the suns to their backs. So we're all just standing there like assholes squinting like crazy and this asshole has the gall to tell us not to squint. Fuck you guy, that's easy for you to say when you don't have to stare into the brightest fucking thing in the solar system.

Also a town in Texas where the German language and German cultural aspects were put aside due to negative stigma from WW1 and WW2 and nowadays nobody speaks German because it was discouraged however it was an insular community so they still have thick accents and celebrate a strange, old fashioned caricture of German culture. That's where that cover band from that one dream you had that does awful covers with really bad, cheesey German accents perform.

Spamalot / whatever
« on: April 28, 2014, 05:38:07 PM »

Spamalot / Otto Von Biz Markie
« on: April 26, 2014, 06:59:23 PM »
Osh babzy du, du gotz vat I needzen.
Und dat you say that he is just einen frond
Und dat you say that he is just einen frond.
But osh babzy du
Du gotz vat I needzen

Spamalot / Last Week Of Your Life
« on: April 08, 2014, 06:50:28 PM »
What would you do?

Spamalot / Still Haven't Bought Insurance
« on: March 25, 2014, 09:43:42 PM »
Fuck the police

Spamalot / Streaming Games
« on: March 03, 2014, 08:00:11 PM »
I have a buddy that's been pestering the shit out of me to get into this. He's convinced I could make a fortune but I'm a little on the fence about it to be honest. I'm not even sure I play interesting enough games. What do you guys think?

Spamalot / Its annoying
« on: January 03, 2014, 07:39:00 PM »
When I see a comment on Facebook and I immediately want to crack a joke on it but A) I'm not sure the joke is funny and B) I haven't talked to some of these people in so long that its probably rude I guess? One time a girl had a cryptic update like "And the letter says..." and my answer was "ooh eeh ooh ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang ooh eeh ooh ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang" and that did not go over well.

Spamalot / Spamalotting on Hard Mode
« on: January 01, 2014, 07:06:11 PM »
I always click all the threads open in different tabs and click between them haphazardly. I don't know how many times I've managed to successfully evade Billy Mays' penis from being seen by coworkers who would not understand. At least I think I have been successful.

Spamalot / How To Get Dirty Looks At Target pt. 2
« on: December 31, 2013, 05:20:15 PM »
Say "Women: Can't live with them, can't enslave them in an underground sex dungeon. Its like, where am I supposed to go? Online dating? What am I, an animal?"

Spamalot / Poop
« on: December 30, 2013, 04:54:48 PM »
Quite literally passing through my butthole as I press post.

Spamalot / Went out last night
« on: December 28, 2013, 06:11:42 PM »
Only guy who didn't hook up with anybody. Even the Japanese guy who kept whipping his dick out was rather successful. I need more fat, loser friends like myself so I never have to xbox alone again(lol pity party much) Should have tzt'd while pissing but they had an attendant and I had no cash so I never wanted to linger long plus he had a white suit with vertical blue lines and an eyepatch so he might have been a really fancy and successful pirate who retired to follow his dreams.

Spamalot / What's With
« on: December 26, 2013, 05:35:55 PM »
This sudden influx of Keep Calm and Carry On type stuff? I'm assuming its derived from some old school WWII British propaganda during their bombing judging by the little crowns but it seems like everybody has it as a sticker in their back window except with something stupid instead of "Carry On" In like the past few months its become the new Calvin peeing on something and it seemed to come out of nowhere. What popularized this?

Spamalot / Need To Get My Passport
« on: December 19, 2013, 06:04:09 PM »
I've been putting this off for forever but I want to visit a friend in Norway this summer. Such a pain in the ass, especially with my schedule. Has anybody been to Norway? Are Norwegians weird?

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