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Topics - Qubhed

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Spamalot / Got back from Aspen Saturday
« on: August 23, 2016, 05:23:53 PM »
Crazy to see how the other side lives. I'll post pics once I get them from my gf. Stayed at her dad's place up there. As a fat guy: fuck mountains. Seriously.

Spamalot / Gen X movies
« on: May 12, 2016, 06:55:55 PM »
Really have not aged well. Saw the trailer for Trainspotting again. That whole monologue, "Choose a car, choose a job with insurance benefits, choose a nice apartment and a big screen TV" Its like you should be so lucky you little shit. So many movies from that era are some whiny little middle class white guy bitching that his life is too good but he wants to "follow his dreams" Like fuck your dreams man, I'm barely keeping my head above water.

Its a thing I kind of like/dislike about Fight Club. Its almost genius how people misunderstand that movie at all these different layers. At the most shallow layer were the guys who launched their own "Fight Clubs" because they thought a bunch of dudes beating the shit out of each other in an unregulated environment with no professionals on hand was a good idea. Then you had the Gen X psuedointellectuals who shaved their heads and rebelled against consumerism, mimicking the directionless cult followers they didn't even realize we're mocked by the movie itself. THen you just have cynical assholes like myself who talk about the other two groups with a smug sense of superiority that take themselves too seriously but are just as easily mockable and lack the self awareness and balls to really dig into themselves. Bunch of dicks, the whole lot of us.

Spamalot / My Girlfriend Pt. 2
« on: May 12, 2016, 02:52:43 AM »
You only clicked for pics, didn't you? I spent like an hour on that stupid NFL post and it got like a third of the views as the thread titled "My Girlfriend"

You guys should be ashamed of yourselves.

Spamalot / My Girlfriend
« on: May 11, 2016, 02:54:37 AM »
When I asked her what I should choose as my second topic she responded with something about somebody named Blac Chyna and her new baby with one Rob Kardashian so for this thread I would like thoughtfully stroke my neckbeard and make our topic: Girls: Why do they like such awful things? She likes me as well but that's not really helping her case much.

Spamalot / NFL Team Breakdown
« on: May 11, 2016, 02:52:13 AM »
So whenever anybody asks me about which football team I think is going to win any particular game I always think to myself: Who would win in a fight between their mascots? Now for years this was hands down the Jets but with the invention of the Titans this throws a wrench into the machinery. Titans were powerful demi-gods or something like that in Greek mythology. However, this is also the only mascot that is fictional. Here are my rankings and you should bet all of your money accordingly. I like to assume the baddest ass incarnation of any particular mascot when I'm assessing their weaknesses and strengths. I will list them according to a NFL picture thing that my Dad has hanging in my office.

Chargers: Alright to start off with this one is kind of abstract. I mean when I think of a charger I'm thinking like a cell phone charger but their picture is a lightning bolt so maybe they're supposed to be electricity. This puts them pretty high on the list I guess but I'm not necessarily sure if I can fairly count them as more than one single lightning bolt. People have survived being struck by lightning. Hell even without proper medical care I'm sure a few animals have survived being struck by lightning. Not 100% sure where to power rank them but I'll go with 7/10

Bengals: Alright, motherfucking tigers dude. I would say even though they are animals and some of our mascots have guns, in the right environment they could still sneak up on a motherfucker and tear their shit up. Power ranking: A+

Steelers: So I'm assuming a laborer in the steel industry. Going to rank this one kind of low since its just some dude with maybe some kind of heavy tool. It could still beat the shit out of some of the pussier mascots (including the Packer- but barely) Power ranking: Nuh uh

Texans: Well this one is confusing because the name is Texans but the mascot is a fucking bull. A bull is kind of scary if you're lets say a Steeler or a fucking Sea Hawk but not so bad for most others. If you want to take it the other direction you've got a fat guy with a large arsenal of firearms and poor reasoning abilities working in the now failing oil industry so that's kind of dangerous. He has a firepower superiority over most of the things on this list but also the slow reaction time and lack of an ability to even jog faster than walking speed for more then 15 seconds so you could just encircle him and he's down for the count. Power ranking: Congestive Heart Failure

The Ravens: Alright, I'm not going to give this one the credit of Brandon Lee. I'm sorry. Its a fucking bird. A lot of teams go with fucking birds for some reason and although this is a smart ass bird credited with fucking up Japanese transit and shit its still just a bird. Power ranking: Nevermore

Patriots: Flintlock muskets and maybe a cannon. Basically if he can land a blow on the first shot he's golden but his rifle might also blow up in his hand disfiguring him and something like a Raven could just wait for gangrene to set in and win with patience. I would still rank him higher than the birds and laborers and most of the animals that aren't the Bengals or the Bears. However he is fighting for our freedoms so I will grant him the power ranking of 'Murica.

Titans: I already pretty much covered this. I'm trying not to be biased since I grew up in Houston and remember when their sucky asses cried and left our city when they were the Oilers. I'd rank them pretty high but again, they're the only fictional creature on this list because apparently Bud Adams didn't get the "Football Team Naming Schemes" memo the NFL sent out and apparently Nashville Tennessee has absolutely nothing worth celebrating so fuck them. Power ranking: Nerds

Bills: A buffalo- possibly a con artist. They're powerful creatures so they could definitely beat the shit out of a ram or a fucking bird but would get absolutely historically destroyed by the Cowboys. Power ranking: Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

Dolphins: Ugh, stupid fucking dolphins? Was the owner looking at his awful wife's tramp stamp when searching for inspiration on what to name their team? I would put them over stupid birds but little else unless there was a mascot that was a menstruating tourist. Power ranking: Ecco

Jaguars: Here we go, finally another team named after something badass. I would rank them below bears and bengals but competitive or better than most everything else. Power ranking: 2/5ths a Matt Damon

Browns: Alright this one is pretty abstract. Are they literally just the color brown. Had to google this one and apparently it was reluctantly named after the team's owner so I can only imagine their mascot to be a mid-20th century business man. Not putting it high on the list for that reason. Power ranking: Capitalism

Chiefs: Would fair pretty decently against the Bisons and the Bears and could give the Cowboys a run for their money but I really only have them ranked somewhat in the middle among the humans. They're stronger than the laborers but lack the firepower of the paleskins. There's historical presidence for them kicking Viking's asses, too. Extra points for being about Native Americans without being blatantly racist about it. Power ranking: Whew, glad were not those other guys

Raiders: Pirates. One of two pirate themed teams. Would put them at a stalemate with the Buccs. They're the only team whose fans might actually stab you so I rank them fairly high on the human list. I think they could take the Chiefs and the Vikings but I put them on a technological level with the Patriots so later gen humans could probably kill them. Power ranking: scurvy

Broncos: Horses. Unless the opposing team is a bunch of middle school aged girls with boy band posters on their walls they're not really going to do much harm. I rank them higher than the birds, of course, but only higher than the rams as far as animals go. Power ranking: Hymen busting

Jets: Undefeated champions of football. I'm not much of a football fan but I can only assume they absolutely dominate each and every season without fail. Power ranking: 9/11

Falcons: Ranked high amongst the birds. I'm going to put them above the sea hawks because wtf is a sea hawk and why does it look like Toucan Sam? Power ranking: Ununseeable bird attack erection

Saints: So even if you're not a Catholic and think they don't have magical powers they are actually people who existed. Probably pacifist holy rollers. I would actually rank them pretty low on the human list since they would probably welcome the opportunity to be martyred even by members of the packing industry. Hell I would even rank them lower than the birds since they'd probably want to be friends and talk about Jesus with them. Perhaps the weakest team in the NFL. Power ranking:  :rolleyes:

Sea Hawks: I mean I guess they're not so bad. They could definitely take a cardinal but I feel like an Eagle or Falcon would fuck their shit up. Power ranking:

Redskins: Power ranking: Ugh, really?

Panthers: Pretty badass, I would rank them as stalemates with the jaguars. I would do them more justice but I'm pretty far into this list and eager to wrap things the fuck up. Power ranking: Peter Sellers

Packers: Really? I would rank these only above Saints in terms of power rankings. Maybe they could take a cardinal out, I dunno. Power ranking: menial labor

Giants: Fuck, I didn't realize at first there were two fictional creatures on this list. This is the motherfucking wild card. If GoT is a good indicator these guys could probably fuck up most of the things on this list save for the Titans or Jets. I hereby rank them third. Power ranking: Wun Wun

Buccaneers: Went over this with the Raiders I think but I'm not sure what technically defines a "raider" and the distinction between it and a "buccaneer" Power ranking: Wait how much is that corn?

Lions: I would put them pretty high up on the animal list. I think a Bengal or Grizzly might fuck them up but they could probably take out a panther or jaguar. Maybe, I dunno, feel free to make this thread awesome and debate the finer points of imaginary animal fights. Power ranking: Detroit

Cardinals: Man they really drew the short straw when picking their team name. Were all the good names taken and they were left drafting the fat kid onto their proverbial kickball team? Its easily the wussiest of all the birds even if they try to give it those pointed angry eyes. Power ranking: N/A

Vikings: I believe they would do better than all of the laborers on this list but worse than all the other fighter types. Power ranking: Norse by Norsewest.

Cowboys: I think these guys would do fairly well amongst the humans. Could definitely take the Patriots just by superior fire power. Could be defeated by industrial gentrification and lung cancer. Power ranking: Sunset Riders

Rams: Easily the weakest of all of the animals unless the fight takes place on the sheer face of a mountainside, then I would still put my money on one of the larger birds if the Discovery channel is to be trusted. Power ranking: Hemi

49ers: So this one is a little abstract but its those who rushed to California in 1849 due to the discovery of gold. At best you have some settler dude the likes of which you might see on Deadwood, at worst you have a cartoon panhandler. Power ranking:

Eagles: I would put these guys at the highest echelon of the birds list but at the end of the day they're still just fucking birds. Power ranking: birdman

Bears: Pretty savage animal. If this wasn't at the bottom of my list I would probably go into greater detail about how awesome they are. GOing to assume Kodiak Grizzly or Polar in its most badass form which gives even some of the armed humans a run for their money. Power ranking: George Wendt.

There you go, an unbiased report on the best and brightest football teams. Hopefully I will come up with better ideas for my next threads and won't be forced to do basketball or baseball (the lol of sports)

Spamalot / Two Threads a Day
« on: May 10, 2016, 12:05:20 AM »
Because you're not the boss of me, me.

Spamalot / Would You Rather
« on: May 09, 2016, 10:08:17 PM »
Have wings or a tail? If you have wings you'll bones will be hollow and you'll have to keep a trim figure in order to fly well. The tail will support your weight and even be able to lift your body up. Which do you go with?

Spamalot / I never should have commited to a thread a day
« on: May 08, 2016, 11:03:45 PM »
For all my blustering I don't really have anything to say. I'm getting frustrated trying to world-build this show that I'm working on. I can't even write a page unless I know what I'm building to. I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew but I can't back down now that I've started. I feel I'm really suffering from a lack of education. Basically the whole show is going to be me subtly bitching about how much I hate the world and how little control we really have over our lives. Its very cynical but tragedy and comedy are intertwined and that's the clay I'm working with. My lead character is Sisyphus, the man who made fools of the gods and was made to suffer a tedious existence as a result. Been researching Camus in creating my protagonist. I want to build a very strong ensemble cast, though. Characters that not only really fit with a great chemistry but also represent different aspects of humanity (I think, I'm not really solid on their roles in the mythology yet) but quite frankly I'm not nearly as smart as I thought I was and I didn't even bank on myself being very intelligent to begin with. All I have right now are a few very detailed characters and a world in which they inhabit.

In other news Kimmy Schmidt Season 2 was really good. Included a character kind of similar to one I want to incorporate into my show but not so similar that I'm going to abandon it or even tweak it considerably. I still feel its very different. The Netflix show Love was surprisingly good and I've been meaning to do a write up on it but I was kind of wanting to rewatch it first. Maybe I feel that way because it fooled the hell out of me. Going into it it looked like the cliche "artsy pussy dude who needs a push and the manic pixie dream woman that pushes him" trope because it kind of leads you to think so and then slaps you in the face with a kind of reality. It even makes fun of some of its own seemingly bad writing (the dude and his friends sing made up "closing credits" songs for movies and it just seemed super lame and unbelievable and then towards the end of the season Gillian Jacobs even calls it out for being as phony and awful as it is). The main characters are really detestable in a great way. They even call out the manic-pixie trope a couple of times. Even the final romantic comedy moment of the first season was the male character doing something kind of despicable for despicable reasons even if it seems kind of saccharin sweet on the surface. It was really really good writing disguised as bad writing and I found it very very intriguing. I'm looking forward to more of it whenever that happens. If you haven't seen it I recommend it but try to keep an open mind that its more aware of itself than it seems.

Spamalot / Brainstorm Sesh
« on: May 06, 2016, 01:23:39 AM »
So I need your help with something I'm writing on guys. I'm basically trying to create a mythology from scratch. What are some forces, big and/or small that shape our life that are out of our control? I'm talking things as big as war/economy/politics and as small/petty as traffic. Mostly need help with the petty stuff I think.

Spamalot / Politically Correct
« on: May 06, 2016, 01:21:10 AM »
Is a phrase older than me that I find so fucking annoying. It assumes two things: 1) That the statement in question is actually factually correct but 2) politically inconvenient. Most times however, its neither. Discuss.

Spamalot / Songs You Hate
« on: April 25, 2016, 09:26:23 PM »

Inspired by the "Songs You're Listening To" thread I decided to strike out on my own and just make an altered copy of it and pass it off as my own fresh material, as is the American way. I begin with "Don't Take the Girl" a 90's hit from Tim McGraw that made me want to stab hot knitting needles into my ears as a child. For the longest time in Houston, Texas this song was completely inescapable. To sum it up the crux of the song is its stupid title, beginning as a young boy prepared to go on a fishing trip with his father. When a little girl shows up with a fishing pole he pleads with his father to bring one of his many friends that were apparently named by Stan Lee along instead. The father remains steadfast in his decision, replying that one day his son will be plowing her so that its in his best interest. Thus the first meaning to the phrase "Don't Take the Girl" Fast forward a decade and the father's prophecy has come to pass as his son is plowing this chick. He's making out with her right in front of a movie theatre like the tacky shitdick he is when some dude pulls a gun on them. Instead of just giving this dude his shit and moving on he utters the second iteration of "Don't Take the Girl" for some strange reason putting the thought of kidnapping his love into the mind of his attacker. Finally five years later his wife is in labor in the hospital, but she isn't going to make it. He begs God to take all this other crap instead (I couldn't will myself to listen this far into the song for my write up so this is where it starts getting lazy) but God  in his infinite wisdom ignores his cries making the third iteration of "Don't Take the Girl" the exact same as the second one because Tim McGraw is even lazier than I am. Finally at the end of the song he's about to take his own young son fishing when a young girl shows up, thus tieing up the premise of the song and damning his child to the same cycle of love and loss that has apparently been wrought through the McGraw family since the beginning of time.

I was originally going to do Achy Breaky Heart because its the only song I hate more than "Don't Take the Girl" but I felt everybody was familiar enough with it to groan at its mere mention and it didn't require a write up. Plus I will not force myself to listen to it again for you guys. I love you guys but I am incapable of loving anybody enough to subject myself to that. Plus if the person I loved loved me back they wouldn't make me so it all wraps up in a neat little bow of "fuck you I'm not listening to that song willingly"

Spamalot / Broad City
« on: January 26, 2016, 06:46:29 PM »
Highly recommend. Have access to Hulu so I was able to watch both seasons. Really really funny fucking show. Its everything Girls should have been. It can take an episode or two to kind of get their rhythm but its absolutely worth it. A++

Spamalot / Playing Fallout 4
« on: November 10, 2015, 11:07:46 PM »

Spamalot / Gotta poop
« on: July 19, 2015, 10:06:47 PM »
But the pizza guy could be here any minute

Spamalot / Murderpartment
« on: February 09, 2015, 08:40:51 PM »
So my lease was coming up at the end of December. They wanted to raise my rent up to $950 a month which I kind of balked at. It was kind of a shitty complex that had multiple shootings and muggings. I'm pretty sure some guy was looking to mug me once but I became aware too early so he backed off. Just a shitty place and other, nicer places in the area were only a little more expensive. So first I looked online and found a variety of apartment complexes.

My sister even let me know about the complex she moved into. Really swank place. Only like three or four years old. They had attached garages that led directly into your apartment which is great because I don't like acknowledging the existence of my neighbors. I checked out their website and noticed that I could get a really nice apartment like this, on the first floor, and only pay about $50 bucks more a month than what I was going to at my current place. I noticed that there was a ground floor apartment which was like $40 cheaper than the two other second floor apartments they had available so I was eager to scoop that up. What a deal, right?

So I call ahead and talk to some lady in the office. She is very eager that I come out and look at the place so instead of sleeping I did just that. Honestly, I was already kind of sold and so we did the little tour they always like to do. First stop: "the business center." And, of course, my sister is in there using one of their computers like the little bum she is. We greet and she decides to join us on the tour. We go to the crappy little gym and past the pool to a little golf cart. We make awkward small talk on the way to the apartment and one of the questions she asks is: "So, why were you wanting to move?" "Well, there's only so many times you can come home to a crime scene," I joke. Then she lets out one of the most awkward little laughs I've ever heard and stammers out something like "Well you know anything can happen anywhere heh heh heh heh"

Was a little odd. Not much of a selling point when you've got a nice place like this but whatever, I let it slide. She's right, anything can happen anywhere. So we get to the place. Its fucking awesome. Freshly painted with a nice gray paint, hardwood floors in all but the bedroom. Even really nice, modern fixtures and like a wine glass holder and other classy things I'd never use for their legitimate purposes. I'm starting to think this is kind of a steal so I'm getting pretty excited. On my way back my sister quickly interjects, "Oh hey, my brother has never visited my apartment, is it cool if we swing by real quick?" The lady agrees and we make the stop.

My sister opens her garage and shows me the roominess of it and unlocks her door. She's still talking about the place when we step inside but as soon as the door closes behind me she turns and excitedly interjects, "Soooo, that place you're looking at? Yeah, there was kind of a murder-suicide there." Apparently, from what I have gathered, some guy had lived in the place for like two years and was a nice, cheerful sort. Then one day he moved in his new girlfriend and three days later they were both dead. People think it was the woman but I don't know for sure. What I do know is that one of them killed the other, threw the deadbolts and then killed theirself. The neighbors complained about the smell but maintenance couldn't get in because of the deadbolts and so they festered in there for about a month until the police were called to bust down the door or what have you. So they had to basically gut and remodel the place. It seems like they used it as a model apartment since then. Even got a free bowl and a couple of wine glasses.

So of course I moved in. Was a fucking steal. People keep asking me if I'm worried about ghosts. Honestly, I would feel bad for any ghosts- all they would have to haunt is some fat guy in his boxers eating cheese sticks and playing with himself. You can't really scare a guy like that. And hell if there's some kind of curse on the place at least I know I'll at least get a girlfriend for like three weeks which isn't really all that bad of a trade-off when you think about it.

Spamalot / Got A Week's Vacation
« on: November 09, 2014, 07:37:26 PM »
Will probably spend it in my apartment.

Spamalot / Sometimes
« on: October 14, 2014, 11:06:22 PM »
I want to make a reddit account specifically to make fun of stupid posts in porn subreddits. Like this chick is pretty but my god these pictures look stupid as hell. What is she, a 12 year old boy sniffing a bra he found in his friend's older sister's room or something? I just want to make fun of it all but I don't want to get my main account banned. Also since all the comments usually are "oh man you're so hot the things I'd do to you baby" I don't think I would last long without getting banned anyways. Do they do IP bans?

Spamalot / Made A Tinder
« on: October 08, 2014, 06:11:36 PM »
My friend's wife is constantly browbeating me about getting into the dating world and finally convinced me to make one of these. She was very insistent. I made an ok profile I think. An asshole's primary function is talking shit and so I did that. Anybody have any experience with this crazy thing?

Spamalot / So Far Today
« on: September 30, 2014, 06:41:52 PM »
I tried to flip my XBOX over (somebody had stood it on the wrong side) while it was on and it made a terrible sound and ate my disk. When I was crouched behind rehooking all my stuff up to my PC instead I ripped my jeans at the crotch and then in my desperation to change positions I slipped and tore my pant legs from crotch to ankle. So now I have like one pant leg and one pant leg that's held together with scotch tape because the stapler wouldn't work. My AC in my car has been crapping out on me consistently this entire summer. Somebody kill me, guys. Please.

Spamalot / Just Finished Breaking Bad
« on: September 18, 2014, 09:26:54 PM »
I'm glad I gave it a second chance. So many feels right now. One of the main reasons I had trouble getting into the show in the first place is that Walt is such an unlikable character. People always built him up to be this awesome guy with a bitch wife but he was always a monster. Watching it again keeping in mind that he's the bad guy really seemed to help. It didn't help that I stopped watching like the very scene before Walt meets Gus for the first time. The show really changes pace at that point. So many gut punches.

Spamalot / Dummy Computer Question
« on: September 03, 2014, 05:43:23 PM »
I didn't want to go to Tech Heads with this one because its technically not fully tech and probably easily explained. How do you know if an email is a fake phishing scam or something? I received an email from the "Microsoft account team" saying that somebody may be using my account and it provides a little button to press to "Recover account" but I feel as though its some kind of scam. I just can't be sure anymore.

Spamalot / One Upping First World Problems
« on: August 31, 2014, 06:02:16 PM »
My dad wants to give me this IROC he suped up but I'm perfectly content with my Corrola. Bitch is paid off and everything. Plus I don't even own a gold chain.

Spamalot / Taket
« on: July 10, 2014, 05:13:19 PM »
I wish there was some kind of internet version of the terrible birthday song and dance that restaurants compel their dejected waitstaff to do to their patrons that I could in turn do for you.

Spamalot / Republicans r dum lol
« on: June 14, 2014, 01:31:28 PM »
So near my apartment is a strip center that is obviously owned by the Obama administration. That would explain the 20 or so protestors holding signs kindly requesting the impeachment of Obama and explaining how abortion is murder because Benghazi. The thing is is its fucking 95 degrees out there with 100% humidity and zero wind and were in a super red district in a super red county in a red state- who the fuck is this protest even for exactly? Tea Party types are basically becoming right wing college students. They may as we'll bust out the pachouli and start a drum circle.

Spamalot / Canceled My Insurance
« on: May 29, 2014, 05:15:22 PM »
Don't get Cigna. Holy crap its the most useless insurance ever. I'd have to travel 60 miles one way to see a doctor and 30 miles the other way to find a pharmacy that will accept it so I just canceled. I'll have to pay the $100 tax penalty but at least I won't be spending thousands of dollars on junk insurance. Insurance just seems like such a massive scam and I have a feeling that its only going to get worse.

Spamalot / Flooded In
« on: May 26, 2014, 07:48:18 PM »
Computer and XBOX at work. All I have is shitty cable. Woe is me. Now I know exactly how those trapped Chilean miners felt.

Spamalot / Medical Question
« on: May 18, 2014, 05:37:07 PM »
This isn't for me but for something I'm writing. Could a poorly treated and barely-covered leg wound that continuously loses blood be sufficient enough to give somebody an iron deficiency?

Spamalot / Musings
« on: May 05, 2014, 07:57:43 PM »
Ok so I'm going to use this thread to post stupid little ideas and things. Its mostly to serve as a notepad for myself I can always access to remember things so its not always going to be funny or interesting but I keep thinking of things and forgetting to write them down before I could work something off of it. My first entries:

A man, duh. Misheard as Amanda just in case I need somebody to date somebody transgender.

Fuck pee wee football photographers. They'd want to take the team photo and of course to have the best lighting they wait til morning with the suns to their backs. So we're all just standing there like assholes squinting like crazy and this asshole has the gall to tell us not to squint. Fuck you guy, that's easy for you to say when you don't have to stare into the brightest fucking thing in the solar system.

Also a town in Texas where the German language and German cultural aspects were put aside due to negative stigma from WW1 and WW2 and nowadays nobody speaks German because it was discouraged however it was an insular community so they still have thick accents and celebrate a strange, old fashioned caricture of German culture. That's where that cover band from that one dream you had that does awful covers with really bad, cheesey German accents perform.

Spamalot / whatever
« on: April 28, 2014, 05:38:07 PM »

Spamalot / Otto Von Biz Markie
« on: April 26, 2014, 06:59:23 PM »
Osh babzy du, du gotz vat I needzen.
Und dat you say that he is just einen frond
Und dat you say that he is just einen frond.
But osh babzy du
Du gotz vat I needzen

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