All I have so far is small anvil in the parachute while sky-diving or awful Christmas. Awful Christmas wasn't invented by me. They joked that they would dress in a Santa costume and cause a slight disturbance outside of a Toys R Us when they showed up dressed as Santa giving away toys and when a decent crowd was formed would fall forward from the roof and blow their brains out with a shotgun- showering children with their brains. This is a nice dark joke but not really in my range of humor. What do you guys think would be the funniest way to off yourself?

Dear Qublog,

My office smells like dog semen. True story.

Yours truly,
Qubhed

I had a weird dream the other night. I often have very vivid and weird dreams but this one was kind of exceptional which is why I'm boring you motherfuckers with a description of one of my dreams. Basically I was hanging out at an old defunct couple's house (I am still friends with the dude but they broke up years ago so I'm not sure if this was set in the past or what have you) and they had another couple there who were just snobby and snotty twats. Another strange condition was that I was apparently drunk in the dream although I wasn't drunk when I went to sleep. Well this new couple expresses that they dislike me and that I shouldn't talk so much so of course I begin to fuck with them. Any time they would begin to tell some kind of anecdote or whatever I would just interrupt them with a "true fact" about John Goodman. I don't recall the bulk of them but these are the ones that I remember:

1. Like a lot of actors, John Goodman is not his real name. Its a screen name he adopted to be more relatable to his fans. His real birth-name? John Perfectman

2. John Goodman is the warden of the most progressive women's prison in the country. There aren't even any locks on any of the cell doors. Instead, the women cage themselves with their insatiable and unrequited lust for John Goodman.

3. (and this one didn't make much sense but I did like the way it ended) To research for a role John Goodman demanded he be imprisoned. The warden and the guards complied as they had no true power over his imprisonment or non-imprisonment. In two hours he was running the place. He stumbled upon an ancient Necronomicon and began to read it aloud fluently in tongues that he was only reading for the very first time. He summoned the dark lord Chtulu to consume our world. That night they feasted upon calamari. Six months later he began shooting Raising Arizona.

I wish I could remember the others but I can't :(

Is there any way to view the full gallery? Was wanting to show my "penis reading an advanced physics book" that I mspaintshopped to a friend and couldn't find it but I knew I had uploaded it and then I wondered what other awful things I've uploaded in the past. Pretty sure at one point I uploaded some granny porn around the time when I almost got suspended for posting it in GD but I can't remember all of the exact details.

An opportunity has presented itself to acquire some acid tomorrow but this is something that I've never done before so I have a few questions before I proceed: A) Is it ok to do it alone for your first time? B) looks like a guy wearing uneven shades so maybe he's looking to the side and his mouth is messed up or something and C) I do have mental illness in my family history. Is this something I should be concerned with? Again, I have never taken acid or any other kind of hallucinogen so I don't really know what I'm getting myself into.

Also fuck posting in threads, just make a new one every time.

So today like any other day I went to Chipotle before work (this was like an hour ago) to get myself a burrito like I typically do. I'm standing there in line when I notice the lights on the wall shifting, indicating somebody has opened the door and walked in. I glance behind me and what strolls in is this super cute little red head with cut off shorts and a spaghetti strap shirt. After this quick glance I turn back around as I should and kind of just go about my business. Suddenly one thing I'm noticing is that she's standing pretty close behind me, close enough that I can see her in my peripheral vision. She wasn't absolutely disgusted by me. Now this next part needs a little explaining I guess: One neat consequence of being a lonely weirdo for as long as I have been is that you tend to lose petty things like a sense of shame. You don't have to put on airs when people have the lowest possible expectations of you. One manifestation of that is sometimes I'll dance a little in public when the mood strikes me. Nothing crazy (unless "Its Not Unusual" comes on and then I will often go full Carlton for a minute) but the beat of the music in there was nice so I was kind of swaying and stepping with it. Next thing I know, SHE'S stepping and swaying with it in harmony with me while fucking with her phone (I was also fucking with my phone reading fark but mostly for the ability to stealth creep) We get up to the line and I don't know if you guys are familiar with their layout but the line will usually go straight from the door and then bend at the food counter thing. Usually at that junction will be a huge, tacky wooden Aztec god-thing and I took a second to glance up at it. As my eyes turn forward again I notice in my peripherals that she kind of slinks forward and to the wall which would have placed her right in my view. Its kind of an unnecessary move. There was nobody behind her and all that did was put her in a corner. And so you know what I did about all this? Nothing. I ordered my food, paid for it and then left (while accidently grabbing way too many fucking napkins). I did however do my best impression of a villain from an Ashley Judd movie and kind of lingered in my car in the parking lot to watch her leave and she got into a van with some dude so maybe it meant nothing but I didn't talk to her or anything or find out for myself. I'm not necessarily posting this for a pity party. This is usually one of those things that if somebody posted would just lead to them being made fun of and in this instance I'm glad of that fact. I'm posting this to feel the sting of shame I rightfully deserve for being a giant pussy. I'm probably reading way far too much into it like a crazy person, though.

Well it wasn't TZT exactly and my life wasn't in any real danger but I was out with my buddy and his dad playing pool at a local bar when some drunk guy had finally had enough of eavesdropping on my jokes to tell me exactly how homosexual he thought I was and was threatening to kick my ass. He could have, too. He was big and had more friends than I did. At that moment, for reasons that escape me (alchohol plus adderall probably helped) I channeled that Macho Man Randy Savage clip somebody posted recently about "The Cream Rising" and proceeded to free-form rant in my best Macho Man voice how I was going to rise up and ascend to heaven to drop the most righteous of elbows upon him and a myriad of other stupid things. This got everybody around us laughing their asses off (except for the guy) and when he went to kind of bluff charge me his buddies held him back and even the bouncer (who approached during my rant) told the guy to chill out I think because he did after that. Then my buddy and his dad tried to channel that momentum into very awkwardly trying to set me up with our waitress (c'mon guys, she's a fucking waitress at a bar she hears this shit all the time and doesn't give any fucks) so I got rejected by another girl I didn't ask out lol. First time going out into public in like months.

would be nice but she died in that airplane crash.

Hey guys, I had asked this question earlier but was told by Knitting to wait a little while for the answer to see. Basically I meet the basic system requirements for Skyrim but I don't meet the recommended because of my processor. I have a AMD Athlon(tm) II X3 440 Processor
(copied and pasted) which they are saying isn't good enough. Would I need to get an upgrade? Just in case anybody asks my video card is ATI Radeon HD 5700 Series (copied and pasted)

So I was taking a dump when I noticed the toilet paper we had was the coarse, tough kind and I thought to myself, "Good, this way my asshole won't end up looking like aerial photos of Jonestown"

Does this joke make any sense at first glance?

hint

Spoiler (hover to show)

all the white sheets covering the bodies

just wanted to throw that out there to let those lurkers know what for

So my dad gave me a one week vacation next week since I haven't taken one in the last two years where as most people have taken two by now. Only problem is, I have no idea what to do with it. I don't have much money and most of Texas is on fire. I'm thinking video games and microwave burritos to the extreme but I'm not sure if maybe I should do something with this time. So Daumalot, what do?

I didn't know where to put this so I put it here to at least be ignored more appropriately. I also got my buddy hooked on it and we were wanting to play together this weekend but I was hoping somebody with some experience might be able to answer one question:

If we set up a multiplayer server for jsut the two of us does it save when we cut it off? We'll only be able to play on the weekends and there's no point to leaving it on and empty all week.

Not endorsing anyone or anything but some guy put this up on Reddit and it basically allows you to easily browse lots of different streams. Mostly Starcraft II but there have been some LoL ones I've been enjoying watching. My favorite one was last night with some guy named CreepinPedoPhile or something like that who, between matches, was obsessively checking a facebook conversation window with some girl that he was sending passive aggressive messages to until she fucking called him out on it and told him to cut it out so he responded "Mehk" and then proceeded to check that window over and over again, sending passive aggresive replies to her status updates while waiting to respawn. Did he just suddenly forget he was streaming to the entire internet?

Some good matches, though. Observing better players playing has shown me a few things. Also I now know what Starcraft II looks like and plays but isn't there a third team other than marines and zerg? Every fight seems like marine versus marine with the odd Korean guy playing zerg.

For those that don't browse Reddit I thought I would go ahead and share this. I know there's a significant fan-base here. I think the scene is kinda meh but here you go:

http://www.newsdaylaura.com/2010/12/black-swan-sex-scene.html