« on: October 11, 2014, 02:53:20 AM »
Yeah I've being really dumb and mopey and feeling sorry for myself. Hate when I do this and get all whiny. Sorry, I'm sure you guys are sick of rolling your eyes at these posts. Lux you're about 50% right but it goes a bit deeper than that. Mostly it stems from a frustration in whatever stupid shit that freaks me out so god damned much about any kind of social thing. And before (I know its not actually before its after) you go "Welp everybody's anxious about social situations" I do realize that and everybody has a healthy fear of spiders and some people lose their fucking minds and freak out over a common wolf spider or whatever. It reminds me of my fear of looking up at really tall things. I think I went over that before. I honestly have no idea why I'm so fucking afraid of it. Maybe I think I'm imagining myself falling from that height but really all I can do is guess because it makes absolutely no sense to me. No matter how much time I spend rationally convincing myself there's nothing to be afraid if I look up at something tall from the base (or even just dense, low hanging clouds) I will lose my shit every time. And social stuff isn't just not talking to girls. Its not talking to people, period. Its avoiding and being absolutely terrified of people. I used to think it was just fear of rejection but more and more I'm discovering I'm more afraid of people accepting me. Maybe its a fear of people accepting me, realizing who I really am and then rejecting me. Not just turning down some fat ugly dude in an Aquaman T-shirt but seeing me for the person I am and being absolutely repulsed. I don't know, all I can do is guess. My biggest fears were realized when I had to actually cold open talk to strangers and try to win them over playing by a set of rules I don't even begin to understand. I have to keep asking a bunch of questions and chase or something but I have to be distant and not over-eager. Everybody says to talk to girls like you're talking to a normal person and I've tried that numerous times but you don't have to follow a bunch of dumb rules and go out of your way to prove yourself when you're making conversation with friends or those you want to become your friends. And most importantly you don't have to convince their loins to froth for you. Its maddening. And I don't want to go by some system because though I'm 100% confident those types of systems would work because I've peddled far more than my share of bullshit in the past I really really don't like that kind of stuff and I'd have to shut down and become full perma "on" and dispense shit like a robot. I'm sliding further and further into the abyss of perpetual hermitry. I don't make new friends and since most of mine have moved on with their lives I really only have one friend left. Pretty soon he and his wife plan on having a child and though he speaks to the contrary I know at that point I will have exactly 0 friends. And I won't make anymore because I can't even leave my house. I have mini nervous breakdowns about driving one fucking mile and buying groceries during peak times so I just don't eat/drink on Saturdays (the one day off I get every week that I always end up just spending sitting in my apartment alone doing absolutely nothing) if I haven't remembered to shop on one of the early mornings after I get off work. And I have no idea what to do about it. I can't afford the time and money for therapy and I've honestly never heard of somebody really tangibly benefiting from therapy and such unless they had some kind of absolutely severe clinical issue and even that is mostly just doping them up. So I have no idea what to actually do or how (if I even can) actually improve myself. I'm a sociable guy that's afraid of people. I'm a comedy writer that doesn't actually write comedy. I feel like Rain Man without the magic powers and every other guy is Tom Cruise and I'm just awkwardly standing in the room confused while they're banging some hot chick. I think that scene happened, its been a while. I feel pretty useless and I really hate living and I'm frustrated that I can't just fix it and do what normal people do. So instead I'm just crying about it on the internet like a 280lb hairy pre-teen girl. So like a regular pre-teen girl in Texas I guess.