So whenever anybody asks me about which football team I think is going to win any particular game I always think to myself: Who would win in a fight between their mascots? Now for years this was hands down the Jets but with the invention of the Titans this throws a wrench into the machinery. Titans were powerful demi-gods or something like that in Greek mythology. However, this is also the only mascot that is fictional. Here are my rankings and you should bet all of your money accordingly. I like to assume the baddest ass incarnation of any particular mascot when I'm assessing their weaknesses and strengths. I will list them according to a NFL picture thing that my Dad has hanging in my office.
Chargers: Alright to start off with this one is kind of abstract. I mean when I think of a charger I'm thinking like a cell phone charger but their picture is a lightning bolt so maybe they're supposed to be electricity. This puts them pretty high on the list I guess but I'm not necessarily sure if I can fairly count them as more than one single lightning bolt. People have survived being struck by lightning. Hell even without proper medical care I'm sure a few animals have survived being struck by lightning. Not 100% sure where to power rank them but I'll go with 7/10
Bengals: Alright, motherfucking tigers dude. I would say even though they are animals and some of our mascots have guns, in the right environment they could still sneak up on a motherfucker and tear their shit up. Power ranking: A+
Steelers: So I'm assuming a laborer in the steel industry. Going to rank this one kind of low since its just some dude with maybe some kind of heavy tool. It could still beat the shit out of some of the pussier mascots (including the Packer- but barely) Power ranking: Nuh uh
Texans: Well this one is confusing because the name is Texans but the mascot is a fucking bull. A bull is kind of scary if you're lets say a Steeler or a fucking Sea Hawk but not so bad for most others. If you want to take it the other direction you've got a fat guy with a large arsenal of firearms and poor reasoning abilities working in the now failing oil industry so that's kind of dangerous. He has a firepower superiority over most of the things on this list but also the slow reaction time and lack of an ability to even jog faster than walking speed for more then 15 seconds so you could just encircle him and he's down for the count. Power ranking: Congestive Heart Failure
The Ravens: Alright, I'm not going to give this one the credit of Brandon Lee. I'm sorry. Its a fucking bird. A lot of teams go with fucking birds for some reason and although this is a smart ass bird credited with fucking up Japanese transit and shit its still just a bird. Power ranking: Nevermore
Patriots: Flintlock muskets and maybe a cannon. Basically if he can land a blow on the first shot he's golden but his rifle might also blow up in his hand disfiguring him and something like a Raven could just wait for gangrene to set in and win with patience. I would still rank him higher than the birds and laborers and most of the animals that aren't the Bengals or the Bears. However he is fighting for our freedoms so I will grant him the power ranking of 'Murica.
Titans: I already pretty much covered this. I'm trying not to be biased since I grew up in Houston and remember when their sucky asses cried and left our city when they were the Oilers. I'd rank them pretty high but again, they're the only fictional creature on this list because apparently Bud Adams didn't get the "Football Team Naming Schemes" memo the NFL sent out and apparently Nashville Tennessee has absolutely nothing worth celebrating so fuck them. Power ranking: Nerds
Bills: A buffalo- possibly a con artist. They're powerful creatures so they could definitely beat the shit out of a ram or a fucking bird but would get absolutely historically destroyed by the Cowboys. Power ranking: Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo
Dolphins: Ugh, stupid fucking dolphins? Was the owner looking at his awful wife's tramp stamp when searching for inspiration on what to name their team? I would put them over stupid birds but little else unless there was a mascot that was a menstruating tourist. Power ranking: Ecco
Jaguars: Here we go, finally another team named after something badass. I would rank them below bears and bengals but competitive or better than most everything else. Power ranking: 2/5ths a Matt Damon
Browns: Alright this one is pretty abstract. Are they literally just the color brown. Had to google this one and apparently it was reluctantly named after the team's owner so I can only imagine their mascot to be a mid-20th century business man. Not putting it high on the list for that reason. Power ranking: Capitalism
Chiefs: Would fair pretty decently against the Bisons and the Bears and could give the Cowboys a run for their money but I really only have them ranked somewhat in the middle among the humans. They're stronger than the laborers but lack the firepower of the paleskins. There's historical presidence for them kicking Viking's asses, too. Extra points for being about Native Americans without being blatantly racist about it. Power ranking: Whew, glad were not those other guys
Raiders: Pirates. One of two pirate themed teams. Would put them at a stalemate with the Buccs. They're the only team whose fans might actually stab you so I rank them fairly high on the human list. I think they could take the Chiefs and the Vikings but I put them on a technological level with the Patriots so later gen humans could probably kill them. Power ranking: scurvy
Broncos: Horses. Unless the opposing team is a bunch of middle school aged girls with boy band posters on their walls they're not really going to do much harm. I rank them higher than the birds, of course, but only higher than the rams as far as animals go. Power ranking: Hymen busting
Jets: Undefeated champions of football. I'm not much of a football fan but I can only assume they absolutely dominate each and every season without fail. Power ranking: 9/11
Falcons: Ranked high amongst the birds. I'm going to put them above the sea hawks because wtf is a sea hawk and why does it look like Toucan Sam? Power ranking: Ununseeable bird attack erection
Saints: So even if you're not a Catholic and think they don't have magical powers they are actually people who existed. Probably pacifist holy rollers. I would actually rank them pretty low on the human list since they would probably welcome the opportunity to be martyred even by members of the packing industry. Hell I would even rank them lower than the birds since they'd probably want to be friends and talk about Jesus with them. Perhaps the weakest team in the NFL. Power ranking:
Sea Hawks: I mean I guess they're not so bad. They could definitely take a cardinal but I feel like an Eagle or Falcon would fuck their shit up. Power ranking:
Redskins: Power ranking: Ugh, really?
Panthers: Pretty badass, I would rank them as stalemates with the jaguars. I would do them more justice but I'm pretty far into this list and eager to wrap things the fuck up. Power ranking: Peter Sellers
Packers: Really? I would rank these only above Saints in terms of power rankings. Maybe they could take a cardinal out, I dunno. Power ranking: menial labor
Giants: Fuck, I didn't realize at first there were two fictional creatures on this list. This is the motherfucking wild card. If GoT is a good indicator these guys could probably fuck up most of the things on this list save for the Titans or Jets. I hereby rank them third. Power ranking: Wun Wun
Buccaneers: Went over this with the Raiders I think but I'm not sure what technically defines a "raider" and the distinction between it and a "buccaneer" Power ranking: Wait how much is that corn?
Lions: I would put them pretty high up on the animal list. I think a Bengal or Grizzly might fuck them up but they could probably take out a panther or jaguar. Maybe, I dunno, feel free to make this thread awesome and debate the finer points of imaginary animal fights. Power ranking: Detroit
Cardinals: Man they really drew the short straw when picking their team name. Were all the good names taken and they were left drafting the fat kid onto their proverbial kickball team? Its easily the wussiest of all the birds even if they try to give it those pointed angry eyes. Power ranking: N/A
Vikings: I believe they would do better than all of the laborers on this list but worse than all the other fighter types. Power ranking: Norse by Norsewest.
Cowboys: I think these guys would do fairly well amongst the humans. Could definitely take the Patriots just by superior fire power. Could be defeated by industrial gentrification and lung cancer. Power ranking: Sunset Riders
Rams: Easily the weakest of all of the animals unless the fight takes place on the sheer face of a mountainside, then I would still put my money on one of the larger birds if the Discovery channel is to be trusted. Power ranking: Hemi
49ers: So this one is a little abstract but its those who rushed to California in 1849 due to the discovery of gold. At best you have some settler dude the likes of which you might see on Deadwood, at worst you have a cartoon panhandler. Power ranking:
Eagles: I would put these guys at the highest echelon of the birds list but at the end of the day they're still just fucking birds. Power ranking: birdman
Bears: Pretty savage animal. If this wasn't at the bottom of my list I would probably go into greater detail about how awesome they are. GOing to assume Kodiak Grizzly or Polar in its most badass form which gives even some of the armed humans a run for their money. Power ranking: George Wendt.
There you go, an unbiased report on the best and brightest football teams. Hopefully I will come up with better ideas for my next threads and won't be forced to do basketball or baseball (the lol of sports)